Peach Roses

it's evening and my room is warm and hazy, the air still lingering with the feel of the sun's strong afternoon glow. and there's that fresh breeze, carrying the smell of peach grandma roses and their unknown message.

i came home to an empty house. it stung every sense, fragile senses that have been on edge since morning opened my eyes. i've tried to steady them, to get a grip, but everything inside is mushy, wobbly, rubber-legged emotions defiant of sound reason.

we all want to be the healthy, the whole, the strong. so when i'm not, i run away from it. and why not? the fragile are one bump away from broken, and who wants to be that? survival is most basic to the human self. so i run from the fragility of me: text that friend, call this one, concoct some kind of arrangement to get me busy and forget, at least for tonight, this heart of mine that i don't understand and the God i want so desperately to. my friends serve as the box and peanuts i can cozy down into and hide for awhile.

but i see You snickering behind the curtain as You watch me on this lonely stage. it reminds me of that lewis quote, "Now God, who has made us, knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him. Yet we will not seek it in Him as long as He leaves us any other resort where it can even plausibly be looked for. While what we call 'our own life' remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God do in our interests but make 'our own life' less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible source of false happiness."

i blame You for this lonely night . . .

i thank You for this lonely night, for giving me no place to hide but in the middle of the emptiness. there is a trapping in keeping too much company, in busy company, in company for the sake of hiding. i know, i know, 'we need each other.' i'm an advocate for it, really. but most of all, first of all, we each need You. i need You, tonight. not because i feel lonely, but because You're the only one who really knows me, the only one who can transcend all friends and external comforts and be with me on the inside, where i'm falling to pieces.

so You've stripped me, corralled me, You have me where You want me.

help me understand.